Sunday, August 22, 2010
I just spent a (not so) few minutes staring at pictures that lasted since a few years back to the way it is right now. So many things and emotions passed and I felt that my mind was little.
Decisions that were made, time that was lost and could be spent on people who changed me, changed themselves the way they are today, the joy and entertainment that was experienced as well as the pain and regret sown back then and some even still living inside me today.
After all that. You feel a change of heart.
Feeling that things right now aren't as smooth and that the mistakes made the last time actually seem perfect.
Ridiculous but true.
But then when you think about it again, and it tells you to enjoy what you are and what you have now then look back at it in the future and have the same feeling again.
Memories do come back. Especially with pictures, the little things that never mattered becomes something you miss dearly. Oh my.
As fast as you want things to come and go. There's no slingshot in life. You don't fast forward and you certainly don't live back what you did.
You do things, feel things, and you change with the times. What you never did, you now do. What you never want, you now desire. There was never a guarantee to begin with.
Look in the rear view mirror and you find that you've changed far, far more than you thought you had. As I realize this, I see that I can't be secure and sure that change will not come to the things I believe so surely will not change.
Seventeen. I've gone quite far.
Yet there's more to go. Life's a journey. And a damned long one.
At this moment I'm feeling quite relaxed and chill even as the exam draws closer. It's a very rare and relieving time of month and I believe it's because I have you. We tend to question why unfortunate things happen to us all the time, yet we don't appreciate the things that bring us joy. And she is one of them. <3
See, the class I'm in is a mix of sorts. We're always on the high and we laugh at situations that are serious. I used to view this as something negative because we laugh at how the teachers scold us when they've actually put so much effort in teaching us. Even more so than other classes. But right now I kinda see the different side of everything. Unlike other people who stress out on the little things, we live life. Sounds slightly absurd for some, but it's true. We appreciate even the instances where we're in hell holes and deep trouble (Threats to see the principle and getting suspended or sacked outta school). We see, hear, and get involved in things other peeps just miss and ignore. I see the students in the “smarter” classes and it felt like they were robots following instructions to the letter. Comparing ourselves to them, I find that it brings some meaning to how we live it through the days. But of course, the big exam is another matter. =']
Less than four months left to the day we sit for SPM. The strongest reason why we go to school everyday of this year. There's so much left to catch on, and now I'm putting my time in for reading and revision. It's hard to shut off my dancing desires, but I'm more conscious about my immediate future now. Hoorah. There's one thing I'd like to congratulate the principle and whoever it is that's responsible for though, and that's for the motivation pro gramme that took place two days ago. Usually the school would hire this talker to organize a motivation thing every year. He's the serious type. So successful in life it's like he's never had a good laugh. Course, his story's inspiring. But to hell with the way he tries to give us motivation in our studies. Seriously, he could blow some neurons in that head of his. But THANKFULLY this time they've taken a different approach by having a different guy handle the motivational speech. The exact opposite of the “disguised demon” hired every year. He DOESN'T teach us a single way or technique to study, nor does he command us to close our eyes for fifteen minutes and imagine our future being beautiful. He just tells us how it's been for him during his younger days, the people who've changed him and made him set a goal in life, and how we might want to be hard-working peeps that don't give up in any situation. All in colorful sentences. Just that was enough to have a big impact on the students listening (and stay awake). The previous dude was just a brainwashing, egocentric, military-like commander. Useless in every way. And for his disappearing existence, I fully thank the teachers involved in bringing in the new guy because he's given me more motivation in taking on the SPM examinations better prepared.
Something else my friends def know bout me is regarding the privilege of riding on four wheels. YES. I want my very own driving license. It's this kind of thing I don't just want but need. Please kick me in the head because my parents are torturing me just by having my request fall on deaf ears (or at least that's how ya'll really make me feel). I know it'll be cliché saying it pains me in the heart to see the majority of my friends having licenses and/or parked cars outside the school compound. But the pain is just something I simply cannot explain. So please, kick me in the head once more. Mum and Dad, if you see this, I must tell you here that I am deeply, deeply disappointed in God knows what. Sigh.
Now for the happy parts of life- I might've just tore the cartilage in my right wrist. Sarcastic isn't it? But no. Ridiculous as it may be, I hope that this injury will be my ticket out of being sent for National Service (an indefinitely annoying thing run by the government for teenagers like me). I will spend three solitary months away from my warm fuzzy feelings of the environment I'm used to and time together will never be enough with her. Not to mention I'm to be cut semi-bald and my phone (if I get another one to replace the one I broke) will be confiscated and only given to me at the end of every week (communication effed). Did I HAVE to be chosen. Sigh. Again.
I'm hungry and I will eat. But before I end this, Shuffling is dead. =P
.:Gray:. ~ “Klak Klak Klak.”
Friday, July 16, 2010
First off, Anyone else would write about where they stand now than all the things they've heard, seen and felt. But my post will be different because I want to give you the progress I've made in the months I've been silent. Some things may very well be best kept to ourselves, but sometimes it's also best they are heard.
Now, dancing crews are the type people may observe less of other than the performance itself. But the way members interact and decide are what interests me the most. Just recently I've been involved in the birth of a new crew named Fawesome. They mirror the way my crew (Silent Motion Crew) had been during the first year of progress. They show passion in what they do and some are willing to fight for it. Education may be prioritized before everything else, but just like us, they take serious time out for doing what they love. Because of this, they've touched me with their reason to dance and I've taken my own time in helping them build a crew that I hope can be well rounded.
Finding a group of people who can really take time out of their schedule to dance (regularly) is not as easy as most may think. It takes strong interest and commitment all while never giving up. When I came to know these people from KKHS, I wanted to help them become dancers who can take the stage and continue doing so independently. Watching them dance the first time returned the feeling of what I had almost two years ago. And with no one to help them advance, I feel that it's a waste to let them freestyle for every free time they have. Because that won't bring them anywhere. Not even the school's stage.
It has it's own share of fight though. Ever since it's start, Fawesome crew has been under pressure and it's members' discipline has caused time to be wasted and routines to be imperfect. But as far as I'm concerned, things are getting better. So I wish that these improvements can be kept not for me, but for the crew's “survival”.
Like any other dance crew, there'll be more sh*tstorms to come. We can be enjoying the sunlight now but sooner or later, if we aren't prepared to realize our flaws and weaknesses, there'll be nothing of this crew worth holding on to.
It's amazing how much I've missed. The friends I have in youth, my ability to keep “clean”, and the level of kindness I had. Jibberish, maybe. But it's hard to express through words without making myself look like a fool. Time has been both my enemy and friend. It's changed me for the better and also for the worse. Ridiculous. But I'm going to cope with everything I have now. I won't let it go this easily.
Ever since my last post, indeed many MANY things have happened. From my personal life to the life of others that affect me, things have both gone wrong and right. There's been so much that I can't even begin to start my story well, so this is to all the significant things.
About a few weeks ago, during some festive/school holiday, I attended a youth camp organized by my church. It was both exciting and sad, since it reminded me how much I loved going to church or attending the usual youth services. I had made so much connections with the people there but now they're merely friends I say “Hi” to or get into random conversations with. Missed them much.
During one of the sessions in said camp, a subject was brought up to discuss about “The Apocalypse”, known in the bible as the day where everything ends. On that day, everything we've saved for and progress through to gain material things will come out pointless. The day where friends turn against each other, countries wage war both near and far, and where nature itself becomes a multiple of destructive force. In skin we WILL perish, but as for our souls, the path to either heaven or hell will be determined by how we lead our life according to God. The signs that tell about the coming of that day are clearly stated in the bible, and during the session, it was told to us that the actual signs aren't that far apart from what is happening right now in the present.
After hearing the things mentioned, it struck me that life really is short. Dying of old age is all sweet and fine, but somehow I don't think that's going to be for me. It's time to make good of what we do and what we are now to be saved.
I still love sunsets and lively scenes, but as I've said, I've lost so much by gaining. Knowing so much more about life and things that go on around has made me a prisoner to myself. Hard to explain exactly what I mean, but I guess a few could catch my words. Very few.
Since I've started looking at the bigger picture, it does seem that older peeps are right. Relationships can be gained much easier than actually keeping it. Which tells me it's only wise to start something if you've really the heart for someone. And I do now.
A few months left till I'm free from my damned chains of trying to aim for academic success. I don't have much care for it. But it's what you reach for to be able to “live” life.
So much planning has gone into the freedom to come, but I guess I should really try to study for now. It is, after all, the reason we go to school. Argh. So depressing.. I'll catch up with ya'll for a more joyful post.
"Maybe it's true, that I can't live without you"
Friday, April 16, 2010
For one, our school's handball team is anxious for blood. We've been training over two months now for the competition which will soon be on just next week. There's been a lot of work put into the training and we're here to win. Major arguments, disagreements, player's failure to commit themselves fully, and problems with injuries and hostility. These have all rained down on us and yet we persevere through it. Hopefully it won't end in disgust because each of us here in the team are as hyped as we'll ever be. But the way I see it, we're doing pretty well now. Our defense has seen significant improvement, our attacking and passing techniques has grown strong and even the players themselves have progressed well in their own ways. I'm becoming more and more confident with our performance as each day passes. And it's a beautiful thing.
Just a few days ago, we had a friendly match with Likas Technical middle school. They showed negative sportsmanship and were abusive with words. But nevertheless, the highlight of the show was the game itself. Through observation you'd see our team doesn't have all the fast, agile and high stamina players that they were jammed with and so we lost mainly because of those traits. But even though we lost, it wasn't bad considering we were only one point behind theirs. After several sessions of training to fix our flaws, I'd say we can take them on. Hooah.
Just today, a friend of mine had lost his phone. Apparently it was stolen by some kid from Shan Tao school which came over to our school for a football friendly. There was quite a scene just outside our school from what had happened but luckily it was nothing serious. Though he was let off because we lacked evidence or witnesses to give him any "lecturing", we still believe he hid the phone with some of his other schoolmates. But the fault is still with the cell phone owner. If he hadn't brought it to school, it wouldn't have been stolen. I call that solved.
Recently I've had a new ambition. One that I'm more sure of then the one my mother suggested for me: Mass Communication. And that ambition of mine is to be a pilot. See, this country's encouraging more local people to become pilots because our airliners are mostly run by foreign ones which the government has to invest more money in. This presents a fantastic opportunity for me because the government is willing to financially support my studies for piloting should my ambition become real. But the best part comes as the study is more of a practical type than just reading books- right up my alley. I ain't some guy who loves sitting in an office just writing and reading. Imagine if I had to do that as part of my job for over 30 years. I would so totally drive off a cliff or choose life and be a hobo (homeless dude).
There are actually lots to tell about, but I'm getting sleepy from the training just this afternoon. I'll have to end here my peeps. God bless. (:
"Nathalie, I miss you!"
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
How stupid was I to only realize now? They say time is gold, and I say it should be stolen. You always reminded me when you were going to leave but somehow my mind always managed to push it to the back. Being so focused on my own losses that now, I would lose my time with you. Why had I done so? Forgetting about your company when you offered it and kept going on around my own circles of trouble? Now I regret, Nathalie, and I am so sorry.
I can't express how cold it is for me now. All I can look forward to is typing to you from miles away. But it would never beat the way we could've talked in person. Because then it would be priceless. Suddenly it feels like I'm the one waiting for hundreds of days for you and I can't shake it off my mind, the chances I should've taken to spend more time with you. We could've talked a long time had I desired it sooner, sharing topics and trading past experiences. But now I have to face it: You'll be starting anew.
No matter the regrets I have, I now see that I've gotta be happy for you and back you up a hundred percent. New Zealand, It's name kinda lives for you now, Nathalie. I've put it to you too many times now, nothing of yours will end here but as for everything else, it will begin there. Face it strongly. It's your time now. Your memories and experiences here will give you the strength and spirit to obliterate obstacles there. Remember that we are never free from hardships, big or small, but it's the way we react that determines how we can go around it.
I love you so much, and I don't ever want to see you troubled like you have before. Previously, few months back, you were quite delicate and fragile, always needing aid. But through my eyes, now you've grown so much more stronger and I am so proud of you. Now you are able to take on harder things on your own all while keeping both feet on the ground. Gotta love how you've come around. :)
I remember a while ago how you kept expressing how you felt that people here in Sabah won't remember you. Rawr they will! I'm sure you've seen the news of your leave affect your friends around you. No denial. Period.
Soon I can only use a keyboard to make you understand, with the exception of Skype, how special you are. More than that cute girl with a strong personality that with, or without make-up, is an angel. God be with you and guide you wherever you will be. I shall expect our continued communication and most importantly, our friendship. Be missing you most...
Love, Garry. From .:BabyLioN:. To .:BabyNaThie:.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Of all the thoughts that plague my mind. Bother me. And put me in a state of depression. Once upon a time I saw to smoking or doing crazies a way to let of the steam. But it's far from the ACTUAL solution. Let's face it. Most peeps around the globe do these things, also how the "Emo" word originated. The first time that trend came into existence, a picture of a loner, a person who regularly hurts himself/herself comes to mind. Well that's just sick. People, don't get satisfaction or healing from cutting wrists or drinking heavy liquor to the point you can't walk a straight line (which I have done so myself before). So to all the peeps out there in a position that never seems to make you feel pleasant or light on the shoulders, please, go have some proper fun. A vacation. Dancing. Anything that makes you feel good and doesn't bring harm. Someone loves you.
-This post was motivated by anger seeing people screw themselves. So wrong.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Right now I'm still very much involved in sports. It just simply runs in my blood to move more than anyone.. I get sunburns all the time (and yes, I'm black, thank you for asking) staying out of class doing volleyball, something I've long enjoyed since last year. My studies, though uber important, considering this year's my last, has been severely neglected of late. If I keep going on like this, soon I'll be screwed. And I'll regret it.
I've so much on my mind I don't know where to start. My thoughts always scribbled on any paper I can find. Maybe I should have taken arts stream. Dayum. Even 'the making of' this post is filled with silly typos and wrong words because I can't think straight. Anyways, thinking straight hasn't been the best thing I do since what happened recently. Now shall I enlighten ya'll?
Just this year, I got involved with a girl. A beautiful girl capable of being rough, is slightly egocentric if not completely, and is unconsciously narcissistic yet entirely loved by me. An athletic person not afraid of the scorching sun, intelligent, and independent. Someone of her standards, I thought, would be impossible to get with. But there I was, few weeks ago, Walking hand in hand with her. There was also the kiss.
Just days later into the relationship and we hit our obstacles. Natural for people who love people. But a week plus more, we decided that we'd stop. I write like an idiot now, but I was and still am, scarred from what had happened. The details of how and why it went down wouldn't be explained here, but it had left me with a small fear of getting involved in relationships this early (Age:17 - It's still early, no denial please). The way I see it, I clearly shouldn't have got into what I got into. But it's happened, no regrets now.
Now I spend time with her everyday as a friend, still unable to get the thought out of my head that I like her. Reading messages from when we were closer is one of the worst ways of self-torture. I just can't delete them, not yet. Now please, don't think I'm insane. Even though I clearly am.
So there. I've spoken what had bothered me most. Still I find that it isn't relieving. I haven't been speaking to God for a long time. Somehow I don't feel that I'm worth to even talk to him. Having done all the wrong things in such a short time. It's time to change. I'll confess a few things now: I smoke and my personality's changed for the worst. Not that I smoke regularly, but just the fact that I had my lips touch the tip of that stick is bad enough. The last one being a long ass Sumatran cigar.
Beautiful thing is, now I've stopped. That consciousness about what is wrong even though people around you treat it like is right has come on me. Should've come earlier.
Other than that, my "better" side has turned into something more rebellious and hostile. Especially to people who've treated me wrongly. I suddenly have this part of me that desires and even enjoys fighting. Thank God, I haven't. This bad persona has got to go. But it'll need time to leave.
It's getting late, I'm getting tired. Gonna turn in now. (: Finally I've managed to fit in some time along with bad internet connections to write again. Great success.
Love~ Have care. :]
Sunday, February 14, 2010
My year however, is simply plain normal. The way I see it at least. I'm writing now in the month of Feb but I'll be giving out this post to compensate for the time I've been missing out in the month of January too. And peeps... for one that I haven't been writing as usual is because my internet got cut off (the modem is of no use now). Awesome.
Form 5. Final year. And also and also a time where the economics of our "great" country get effed up beyond recognition. Meaning that some of us (especially me) will experience the feeling of not getting what we want... I meant need. Both. Whateva. Either way ...academics, studies, and class performance is crucial this year. Since it may OR may NOT make our future shine. Kids, it's time to realize that what I'm writing ain't parent talk, but crap in reality. To be honest, I started this year just as most of us did. Confident and ever determined. But as the days pass, temptation to do something I'm fully passionate about is starting to creep under my skin! Dance dance dance~ And with friends constantly asking if I will be performing this year, I see it impossible to keep the dancing desire outta my mind. Yet instead of dancing, I'm overly involved with scout marching, athlete's training, and handball. Again. So it's not surprising I spend 80% of my time outdoors and away from books and pencils. Then again, thank God this time I seem more capable of splitting time for both outdoors and in-class subjects. I've even taken up tuition for maths and bahasa Melania when some of my friends think it unbelievable that I would. Great improvement in life!!! Teehee!
Remember when I had said in a previous time that I was worried about being placed in that Gawd-awful class? Well I'm in there now, and it ain't as bad as I thought it would be. I've grown to like the people around me over the course of one month. They're friendly, "helpful", and supportive in some respects. helpful being you-get-what-I-mean. Though it may still be true that they are misguiding at times, influencing you not to do your homework and skip classes chilling out on canteen benches, all I really got to do is keep my eye on the ball and I'll do just fine. Sadly, you can observe that some of them won't turn up well by the end of the year. Getting into trouble, not listening AT ALL in class, and sleeping like you'll believe humans CAN hibernate just slowly eats away at them. The teachers themselves being one of the reasons that'll guarantee the classes' failure in exams. Names ain't nice, so I'll just tell you MATH, PSK, BM and PM are taught in the worst of ways. The worst of the worsts being Math and BM. I tell you ah... our math teacher happens to be in charge of the athletes training program and involved in everything outdoors. And since sports is also what makes a school's name reputable (don't you know), the teacher would inevitably spend his life out of classes. So far... he's only taught us the first *&^%$@ chapter and it's already February. Facts:
1. He's only been in our class once before. The first time not counted because he wasn't teaching.
2. I wonder how he got QUALIFIED to teach math when everyone can't UNDERSTAND the things TAUGHT.
3. Other classes have already reached CHAPTER FOUR.
4. He ain't even reached the end of the first chapter!!!
These are the first four reasons that make me feel that my absence in class did not affect my academics... BECAUSE IF I DID ATTEND THE CLASSES, I WOULD WALK OUT THE SAME AS I DIDN'T ATTEND IT! That, my fellow friends, is useless. Still, I'm having private math tuition one on one with my own personal tutor. And I am extremely grateful to the point words cannot express. All I want to say about the BM teacher, is that she comes in, gives us a title to write a 200-350 word essay on, and asks that we pass it up. Hallelujah should I HAPPEN to learn anything from it.
Now for the less stressful parts. I was recently chosen for the handball team representing my school. Gay, but yes, it's fun, thank you for asking. :P Handball, should any of you know what it is, is a sport just like that of soccer, but with the use of hands and fouls for feet (soccer the other way round lool). It's fun and requires much arm strength... which is just the sport for a Bboy!!! :DDD
Unfortunately now I'm dark. So much so that when I sat together with my Malay friends and called out to a another friend of mine, she tried so hard to look around and find me when I was just in front of her. Since her mind remembers me as a person fairer than what I am now. Gah. Anyway, I'm sleepy so I'll end this right here. May God bless your lives.
[Apologies should there be any typos. I hadn't much time to write]