Friday, March 26, 2010

Another shoutout...

A few months now, since I've voiced out much to anyone anytime. Let's do this.

Right now I'm still very much involved in sports. It just simply runs in my blood to move more than anyone.. I get sunburns all the time (and yes, I'm black, thank you for asking) staying out of class doing volleyball, something I've long enjoyed since last year. My studies, though uber important, considering this year's my last, has been severely neglected of late. If I keep going on like this, soon I'll be screwed. And I'll regret it.

I've so much on my mind I don't know where to start. My thoughts always scribbled on any paper I can find. Maybe I should have taken arts stream. Dayum. Even 'the making of' this post is filled with silly typos and wrong words because I can't think straight. Anyways, thinking straight hasn't been the best thing I do since what happened recently. Now shall I enlighten ya'll?

Just this year, I got involved with a girl. A beautiful girl capable of being rough, is slightly egocentric if not completely, and is unconsciously narcissistic yet entirely loved by me. An athletic person not afraid of the scorching sun, intelligent, and independent. Someone of her standards, I thought, would be impossible to get with. But there I was, few weeks ago, Walking hand in hand with her. There was also the kiss.

Just days later into the relationship and we hit our obstacles. Natural for people who love people. But a week plus more, we decided that we'd stop. I write like an idiot now, but I was and still am, scarred from what had happened. The details of how and why it went down wouldn't be explained here, but it had left me with a small fear of getting involved in relationships this early (Age:17 - It's still early, no denial please). The way I see it, I clearly shouldn't have got into what I got into. But it's happened, no regrets now.

Now I spend time with her everyday as a friend, still unable to get the thought out of my head that I like her. Reading messages from when we were closer is one of the worst ways of self-torture. I just can't delete them, not yet. Now please, don't think I'm insane. Even though I clearly am.

So there. I've spoken what had bothered me most. Still I find that it isn't relieving. I haven't been speaking to God for a long time. Somehow I don't feel that I'm worth to even talk to him. Having done all the wrong things in such a short time. It's time to change. I'll confess a few things now: I smoke and my personality's changed for the worst. Not that I smoke regularly, but just the fact that I had my lips touch the tip of that stick is bad enough. The last one being a long ass Sumatran cigar.

Beautiful thing is, now I've stopped. That consciousness about what is wrong even though people around you treat it like is right has come on me. Should've come earlier.

Other than that, my "better" side has turned into something more rebellious and hostile. Especially to people who've treated me wrongly. I suddenly have this part of me that desires and even enjoys fighting. Thank God, I haven't. This bad persona has got to go. But it'll need time to leave.

It's getting late, I'm getting tired. Gonna turn in now. (: Finally I've managed to fit in some time along with bad internet connections to write again. Great success.

Love~ Have care. :]