It's been a long time since I've written, and a lot has changed.
Exam's already long passed about two or three weeks back, and everyone's on a relaxing tour through the remaining weeks... Gotta say the year has run out quite fast, and I'm not satisfied. Not the least. There are just so many things to do, so many things to achieve this year because it's the time we're most free of academic stresses. Well... at least for me studying in the commerce class. Talking about that topic... I've heard that I might be moved to the arts stream... 5SA1.. next year. First time I got the news of that I was stunned. Not that it's a bad class and all... it's just that IF I was transferred there, it would be harder for me to focus on what's more important. And the longer I think about my most recent examination result... The more I am motivated to push harder with all the subjects and get credits for them. The results I had this time were very disappointing. Even for me. I've never been the one to care much about my numbers ever since I danced. Dancing literally took me away from everything. It's something I love to do most, and there is nothing out there that can make me feel the same. The thrill and the excitement that comes side by side with the beats of the bass, the sometimes unknown meaning of the song. I love it. But I love you more.
Days are getting darker, from where I am. I've slightly lost interest in life, and.. not to shock anyone or anything.. but I've found and understood why people can even think and consider the possibilities of suicide. It's just that one time and point in life where all the mishaps and tragedies happen to collide into life at the same time. It's when that certain individual feels a lost of hope in regaining everything... and to feel that the failure in all things personal is a feeling that is most real. And I feel like I'm gone from where I used to be. That I can't stand anymore. And It's true for now.
It's amazing how the piano can play a musical piece that is both lovely and able to express emotions that is otherwise hidden. For years.
It's unbelievable dancing made me, and brought me down. It's not just the disappointment or the failure, the trials or denials. It's also you. I don't know how much more I can just stand aside and look at you. I feel everything.
They say time will tell and yet I've heard nothing, seen nothing. It all points to you, and it also all keeps the truth. Each memory and pain from the past is brought forward each coming year and it shuts me down. I can't tell you anymore, I've lost the ability to express. You don't understand, you still don't try to. I hope you know each time the way you are to someone doesn't liberate you from what he feels. It isn't a field where you can run any direction and pluck every flower, smell it's scent and find another. I forgive you for everything, all the time. I don't even think I can find it in myself to throw hatred at you because my heart is always soft to you. The effect you have on me remains even now... but how can I forgive myself..
I can't tell you anything anymore, you would laugh it off in the nicest ways I hardly resist.
No matter where I turn or how I have myself on lock down... It's simply your presence that makes me doubt if I've walked away. When just a glance reminds me of how I even started harboring this emotion for you. You never understand that all I had was my heart. You made me care less about everything else even at the most urgent of times. To risk my name and respect to have you near. The things I've went on with to influence friends into accepting my idea, a plan just to keep you near.
I can only slightly take time into my own hands, and to wait any longer would kill me. And it is to write the words I have to let out.. Everything I tear while writing.
Commitment will be the hardest for you when you finally find only two roads than the flower filled field you're used to.
written Friday, October 23rd. 2:34A.M.